Hey. Hi. Remember me?
Well, I guess that’s fair enough.
Where the hell have you been?
I’ve been super busy. I had to go all the way to Cartagena, Columbia, to rescue my sister after she was kidnapped by Danny DeVito and some skinny guy with a bad rug. It was crazy! And while I was there I met this dashing rogue and he was kind of mean but then we smoked pot in a crashed plane in the jungle and he was nicer after that so we made out. And then this other guy got his hand bitten off by an alligator… it was all really weird. But in the end I saved my sister and wrote a best-selling romance novel about the whole experience, so, you know. It all worked out.
That’s actually the plot to Romancing the Stone.
It is? Oh, it IS! Gosh, sorry, I guess I just got confused! I watched it the other night and you know, my mind’s been so MUDDLED ever since I started posing as a boy in high school because my pervy journalism teacher wouldn’t stop staring at my boobs and refused to give me that writing internship I wanted. (Being hot is so annoying!) Finally I just got sick of it, strapped my boobs down, cut my hair and enrolled at a different school dressed like a gay guy because (obviously) that was the only way anyone was ever going to take me seriously. And while I was there I gave this weird nerd a makeover and after I slicked his hair back I was all, “Hey, you’re cute!” so I showed him my boobs and he was all, “Hey! You have boobs! I love you!” so I dumped my really extra shiny boyfriend and told everyone else I had boobs, too, and they gave me that big writing internship after all.
That’s Just One of the Guys. Why are you still lying?
I’m sorry! I can’t help it! It’s just that the truth is so EMBARRASSING! See, I fell off a yacht (so clumsy!) and lost my memory, and when I woke up this sweaty handyman guy (with a righteous mullet) took me back to his gross house and made me cook and clean and take care of his mean, dirty kids, which I did (but I was a real bitch about it, because- RUDE!). Funny thing though, the kids actually turned out to be kind of sweet. And I DO love a nice mullet, so in the end I decided to stay. But, still. I didn’t think anyone would understand.
What I don’t understand is why you keep trying to pass off 80s movie plot lines as your own life in a sad attempt to justify not writing on this blog for like a year. That’s weird. You suck.
You’re right. I DO suck. The real truth is, I just got frustrated and tired and then I kind of lost my job and started freelancing and I was so busy either working or freaking out about NOT working that I just couldn’t get my head around ANYTHING, really. And then it was summer and really hot. Like, too hot to write. And then it was fall but STILL too hot to write. And then it was T-ball season and I swear we had a game every other day…
…and then it was Halloween and I had to dodge vampire kisses…
…and then the Thanksgiving pilgrims arrived…
…and before I could say “Holy balls, we’re broke!” it was time for Christmas shopping…
…and then Jen made a Christmas cookie shaped like a penis…
…and then Santa came (har. harhar)…
…and also, this happened –
So I was just exhausted and, okay, maybe a little lazy. But you understand, right?
Okay, okay. I get it. But, still. You could have checked in every now and then.
I was going to, I really was, but then my hot boyfriend’s dance partner got pregnant, and I had to borrow money from my dad to pay for an abortion, and between that and all our practices for the big performance at the Sheldrake, I just never could find the time.
You’re doing it again.
So, are you back now, or what?
Yes! I’m totally back. I’ll have posts soon about awesome stuff Sam and I have done with some of our partners in crime — stuff like a weekend trip to Houston and a day spent at Peter Pan Mini Golf and another day doing the Duck Tour and lots more. And I’ve got a new things planned, too, like a riverboat cruise and some strawbry’ pickin’ and some baarr-bee-kyew and maybe a zip line or two. So stay tuned.
In the meantime, check out these awesome links to other sites… just a few great ideas for the upcoming SXSW craziness and other fun stuff around town.
See you soon!
Not if I see you first.
Um, okay. Bye.